April 22, 2017

"Mum you believe in love now?!"

We are translating of course. Back then especially she didn't, wouldn't speak English. Maybe respect, esteem, pride or trust would be a better translation but the word and a sense of its meanings and power was already hidden inside us but we needed her to wake it up again and she did. All the people the were not working for the slavers and experimenters did. To her, the word "love" and the language it comes from was inseparable from the systems of oppression, theft and slavery. We could see when she talked where there highly intelligent survival morphed into the concepts of abusers who help you a little but are actually part of the slave systems. We understood, we knew you can't be ripping away peoples crutches, their defence systems especially when there is nothing else available. We could see she already questioned some of it by the way her eyes and body moved when she talked. She wasn't sure but it was the best they had. It was such relief, she was alive, not just physically walking around but her mind, it was alive and that meant there was hope.

Year later we were able to show her the history of how the abusers set up groups to capture and control anyone who was resisting or prone to resist and how the group that had groomed her had took the endemic rotteness and very long evil traditions and made out like there was nothing else. We knew that wasn't the whole story we had been given and were being given everything that people who were said to be incapable of resisting had kept safe, what they had nurtured, what they dreamed about in the tiny moments when genuine dreaming and wanting is possible.

She was heart broken and furious with herself for falling for it but we were able to show her in detail how it had saved her life and protected parts of her, we helped her have a much better understanding of DID and how levels and programming works and when she understood enough we could show her the work she was doing but was amnesiac of and how she wouldn't be able to do that work without those levels. She was worried that her now knowing would stop the work and we said there was no way those parts would be letting her take in what we were saying if they still had work they needed her to be unconscious about. They needed her awake they needed them all to work together. Then we reminded her that all her parts where just that, parts of her and waited for it to dawn and her dark eyebrows raise and eyes widen. What a fabulous moment.

My god her head was full of crap about the effects of trauma and dissociation we all had to work very hard but she was worth it, it was worth it. Besides everything we taught or figured out with her she would teach others.There was no way we could let them kill her but she had to know how they fought us and not just what we were fighting and once she had enough of a grasp she was easily able to surpass us, she was an adult after all an adult that isn't here. She ended up so soft we were scared we had gone to far and rendered her useless but it was just a stage she needed to be in, parts of her she had never been able to explore before and it made her utterly unrecognisable to them. We literally could go out to public places and eat whilst surrounded by them as usual and they were feat, inches away with no fucking idea who she was. That everything their work was focused on was sitting so close, unarmed and vulnerable while they were searching for something and someone entirely different. She asked what we were laughing about we said we would tell her later.

 My god we were so relieved when she found her centre and stopped acting, dressing, talking and feeling mumsy. It was awful. One of those things when something you thought you always wanted but could never come true and then it does and its wrong, just all wrong and you learn so much about yourself and what you need versus what you think you probably need.

Not everything we were told about her was complete fiction especially when we first met her and we were never one for genuinly believing it is essential for the people's safety that some people are tortured and enslaved but it surprises us when we can still be shocked by things. It surprised us to how much we maybe did think of her as "mum" when we found out her story and what happened to her here and was devastated. We kept telling ourself it was programming but we couldn't think of the source of it and couldn't unravel it. We had been told she hated Earth and we remembering being unsure if the Americans telling us this were trying to endear us towards her or otherwise. They weren't trying to but they very much did, it was one of those wacko systems where instead of being talked to be people who seemed nice but were working under people who were evil as fuck they were the sickos and the brief they were working under that was from a place that did not see things the same. Heaps of the stuff they said or made us do just made us laugh or undid bad programming. It was fun while it lasted.

We know this sense of people being so far away it doesn't matter if they are alive is unlikely to last forever. Of course it matters. We matter. Ze matters.



April 21, 2017

What's Love?

Think it was something we over heard that reminded us there was more than the cages, tables, equipment and abusers and that we would had to go and find it, find her. We had to find a time when they were not watching to make contact. There was a few of us in a room resting when another girl in, she was crying and it woke every one up. The shoved her in and locked the door again. She found a corner, curled up and started crying quieter and softer, getting louder every now and again in response to some pang that no one was going to help her with. Sometimes we would try to help and comfort each other but sometimes everyone was just to exhausted. Some times kids died in the room overnight and were left there until morning. We wondered if we still cried but just didn't hear it, didn't feel it at the time. We guessed and kind of hoped we still did before realising we had our opportunity in the darkness next to our sisters.

We knew mum had said they would help us out but they were not my friends they would just want to use me themselves I would have to figure out a way to get away from them once they got me out to get to people who were friendly. We have tiny flashes of it. The blackness and whole bright anything looks against it. She's right this place is massive. The people. Loud and shifty and sweaty. Our tiny hands looking even tinier against the controls and machinery. Our ridiculous brain. Figure out this. Don't think about that. We remember heat and orange above us and looking over our shoulder to see there would be no survivors as we flew on. Mum or someone had said it was the only way.

We had no idea what to do now. We just wanted to cry. We were so tired and got so far and did as best we could to follow mums instruction about what to do where and when to hide, where to refuel (friends with bigger hands had to step in at that bit but I wasn't to tell mom because she would not believe they were ok and they weren't certain they were anyway). We had said goodbye when we really didn't want to because it was to risky to do otherwise and done the rest ourself but now we were here and mums friends were feat away but we were stuck staring at the thing that was between us. "You need to make a noise" it came from somewhere and it helped us get our feelings together and focus on solving the problem. We remember someone new banging on the door of the room with there hands when someone else was chocking and turning blue. We tried something like that but it wasn't very loud, more like soft thuds we were not sure anyone would hear then we heard movement from the other side. 

We took a few steps back and started shaking and panicking again, thinking all I had done was transport myself to other horrors. Horrors without my sisters. We were stunned when the door opened. He looked kind of confused, maybe a bit angry as he stared out way over our head. He was shaped like the evil people who had us at the place and who helped us get out but he also somehow looked completely different. We couldn't help seeing he wasn't omitting evilness, it didn't hurt to look at him and that did weird things to our brain, to our everything. We stared up at him all the shadows on his face, there wasn't a lot of light and it seemed to be becoming less all the time and it made him look like a picture.

He looked around a bit more than turned around and shut the door behind him. We stood there for a bit trying to process what had just happened before realising we needed to try again. He came quicker this time and looked even more confused/angry than last time. We realised we would have to make another kind of noise but wasn't sure how and got as far as a gulp and a squeak before he looked down and saw us and gasped, fell over, grabbed me held me, stared, held me some more than carried me inside.

We hated leaving our sisters in that hell and hated not being able to tell them much but there was no future except the worst if I didn't, it would be their turn soon enough though and we could tell parts of it to their parts until then and that would help them even though they wouldn't know why. Well most of them. We saw the girl we were closest to was pretending to be asleep when we left. We wanted to talk to say we would be back but couldn't, we thought about her lying there a lot and missed her lots and lots and wished it wasn't so awful there.

We were not sure we had ever been with people who made us feel like it was okay to be a child before. We were surprised at how easy it was and how easily they disarmed us. On the journey they didn't understand when we cried what was wrong we didn't understand why they thought we were crying because we were thirsty or hungry. We were crying for our sister. Someone figured it out/got it out of us and instead of offering me stuff he just wrapped his arms around us for ages. He was saying stuff but we didn't bother trying to figure out what we knew we didn't need to, it sounded nice and good.

We saw her before she saw us. There was no way to tell her we were coming. Everyone in the hanger and through the building stopped and stared as the small group carried us to her. She was sitting, working. We are shying from remembering what she looks like. "Masculine" maybe if we were to use shitty here culture and we would rather not but can't access much else when embedded and abandoned here. She was so surprised and happy, once she was sure it was us and we hadn't been traced. We knew it was a good sign if she was happy and amazed with us. She did not agree to me going back but she had to accept they would loose what they had there and that couldn't be risked. We said we had to go back for our sisters to, she said they were not like me and we said we knew and "not yet". She smiled but only because she couldn't help it. She said it was my choice, they would be prepared to keep me there and fight as best they could and at the time we thought they were saying that because they didn't know what would happen if they had tried that but when we were older we understood that wasn't the case.

Any tiny remaining trace of a part of us that believed what we had been and would continue to be told about her disappeared when we saw her puke as the doors of the transporter shut to start the journey back. We hated that we only fully felt like that now we were leaving and it would be years before we saw her again. We were terrified we would go back to that place and still feel like a child and expect care from the adults there. We shouldn't of worried though because she was with us enough and our sisters knew enough to help us. We felt so proud when one of the guys carried us back in there pretending to be someone else. Once he had left they stared at us and asked us what had gone on with them and how we got out, asking why we looked so well. We just stood there and blinked at them like we were just a little kid and had no idea what they were saying, possibly peed ourself so they would believe we were all traumatised and so they would kick us out of there sooner so we could see our sisters.

Couldn't help a pang of guilt when we saw how physically different we had become. It was weeks, months at the most where I had been eating regularly and not being beaten, raped, tortured or experimented on and we hadn't seen how bad a state we were all in when we were all the same. We cried then, really cried and felt and heard it to. I think we managed to say we loved them. It might of been the first time. Mum had said it to us, so had lots of the other people we were glad to share it with those that had been stuck there the whole time. Telling everyone stories when we could about it seemed to really help everyone for a while and it helped us to.

After a while they split us up and we started being brought here but it was known they were going to do that so there was usually ways to make sure none of us we completely alone for too long. Usually.



...

April 19, 2017

we call each other mummy you can be mum is that ok

Few of the things we ordered last week have arrived, the long sleeved top that has patches and is very homey little girly and beautiful it makes even our non girly girls smile, like it's something our Dad would of dressed us in. The giant man tshirt with a picture of a unicorn came to it is also wonderful. They made us squeal a little with delight. Has to be a good sign that we are able to want, order and enjoy. They stink of factory so we put them in the wash and will dry them on the line tomorrow. We tried on the long sleeved and its great but it felt kinda uncomfortable and risky to wear something that little Rosie and others love so much, it fits over the boobs which was a concern cause if it was too tight we would never wear it all. If we can we will put it on and take a picture to show you.

A little box of plug plants came to. I love the whole little box of baby plants coming through the letter box thing. 12 petunias, 4 lovely colours. We are going to treat them properly this year and take them in at night for a week like they always say to do. We went back to feeling really good out there, planting up the plugs, assembling the shelving that will hopefully keep stock seedlings out of cat range, tidying up, feeding and watering. We rearranged the hangers to which have been in the same places since last spring if not longer and that did so much psychological good.

The push for us to give out information on mother never ended. Being tortured by people asking about her when we had no idea about anything was just something that happened. There was quite a few hospital visitors desperately trying their luck by using triggers that did nothing and trying to confuse us about who we were. We laughed at them when a British bloke was trying to teach one of the women who worked on the ward how to manipulate us. "Dude we identify as plural and confused, that's our centre, reminding us of that is only going to help, thanks. Whatever the last cunts did to us totally messed us up and you just straightened us right out there cheers". . . oh the old pretending to be part that doesn't know they are swearing.. lol..It was the main most skilled programmers, those trained in rare techniques that were too valuable to have out and about much that we knew and mother knew we had to keep things hidden from. If we could keep them out then it would be unlikely any of the people under them could get what the Russians couldn't. 

We became so quick to dissociate majorly at the mention of or thoughts relating to "real mother" we would use it on ourself when needed not to be present. I think we did pretty good at not giving them information about her even during mapping years. There was so much disconnect between the rings it was possible to use whatever one group was doing to effect parts in ways that meant other groups would not get what they wanted because the parts they were after had become unreachable. As years went on there were so many layers put there by us and abusers that we rarely had to worry about saying something or thinking or feeling anything that related to her because we couldn't of got near any recollection or sense of any of it no matter how much we tried and how much we felt we needed to remember.

Sometimes it would get too much and one of us would feel close to giving whoever what they wanted so they would them kill us and it would be over but there was always too much that stayed too close to each other and to others to let that happen.

Every now and again we would have to go to her and get help finding ways so we could fix our system enough to function at all we were just such a mess of amnesiac and non able parts. She would help get our system to a place where we could function better and help us find ways to survive whatever was going to happen next but ze was just another fighter, another escapee, another expert in all this shit and we had to keep it that way.

They were always very determined. We always knew when one lot gave up another would be along soon enough. With the size of their systems they would catch things here and there that made some of them even surer she was still alive and still active. We knew we would have to be even more determined to not tell them than they were in finding out and that was going be the hardest thing we would ever have to do and we would have to keep doing it for a very long time. We persuaded her to be less active and let us do her work and let them catch us and tell them you had trained us and then left saying your probably would never be back. Which was hardly bull. The bull would be looking them in the eyes and persuading them we had no idea who she was and did not have ongoing contact with her when we did. It was one of those very hallow victories because we couldn't help thinking if they had not broken and split us and tried to kill us so much we would totally be giving ourselves away right now. 

Those "We have no mother" walls are still there in places of course but are being traversed. One patch of stuff that is definitely on the other side is why we feel so confident writing about this now.  The danger, the terror just isn't there any more and we are our usual 'yeah we knew this would happen/did we fuck what the hell are going on about/whateves usuals' self.. wtf..

What we told the Russian's about Trumps and what we told everyone about the Russians and Trumps being exposed as bang on can only be a part of it. Yep getting back into comfortably concerned territory now.. 

But we actually feel like things are going to get better.. its maybe just the antidepressants and the vitamin D and the internal communications but maybe its because things are going to get better without getting worst first.

(She prefers"Sir" though. Like us.. and she hates gender to. She tells us not to use 'he' or 'she'. It's great. I know your superiors will never change their mind about her but neither will we and we know her..)



Mum this is .. Daddy.

Can't do much else but come on here and wash out more wounds. We have changed both the blog and twitter over to Rosa, some one used it to say thank you for rting them and it hasn't helped our tearfulness. Knowing we were going to loose him and we wouldnt be together has been very crippling particularly as we have spent a lot of time held in situations where we were surrounded by people who bring it up to gloat and who knew which of our parts couldn't bare it the most.

The stuff that we had been programmed to well and too early to ever tell him was for most of us stuff we weren't sure about or didn't feel any need for him to know. We had other people for that stuff and him not knowing didn't mess the contentment we would feel around him. There was a couple of attention needers that sometimes longed for him to know everything and to think about us as others did but we wouldn't think about that for long before feeling scared and ill and it so would go back to being a very special girl in a very awful situation as that was the truth anyway.

"Your mother" We were being asked again. "No not any of them the real one. We know she is alive and we know she is helping you." This was all fucking news to us and our face showed it. Something quick and strong in us they had just pushed whatever it was that they were using to knock us out and it all went black. When we came round we were confused and the system had all changed we tried to answer the questions as best they could. We watched their attitude and language to and around us change as we did until we knew we were ahead of them. They started the we are your friends but we are being forced to pretend we arn't routine which is so standard.

Once they had left we took a little moment to think about what has just happened and how many others had been asking the same questions. We had no option with the way the system worked and the way they forced the amnesia and then the faked the memories so all the victims believed they might be the youngest daughter in that family and had been with them their whole life we had to shut down all thoughts about her. It wouldn't be that hard we had all the systems in our head that made us amnesiac of our sisters and our kids.

We were generally not all that convinced she was until we saw the way they went after her and it reminded us of the way we had seen them go after us and we were convinced she was at least from the same systems and not lying to us about how much she was fighting them.

Writing this we remember a phone call when our head was so bust you could of said pretty much anything to us. What the voice said was that he wanted to remind us that we have a mother and she was on our side. We free to be little and cool about it. We said something about our Daddy finding her and he said yes Daddy found her. She would be helping us all as soon as possible.

We were quizzed of course, about the who and the what of the call but all we needed to do was leave the answering to most of the system because it had no idea what that call was about or who to or if it really happened.

We knew it would be long and awful night though once the quiz wondered off to discuss tactics with the staff and others. Any hint of "our real mother" and all the rings and abusers would get instantly and radically even worse and less survivable.

We survived though. Or at least some of us did.

Why the hell are we writing this now is it was always so dangerous before. Well systems have changed, like we keep saying when they get what the want and don't think we could possible jeopardize it they have other people to bother and leave us alone. We also have a sense of this being a part of our survival plans, like many posts have been, at times forced on us or just us or with someone else helping. We are hardly going to sit here forever with a big gaping hole in our being covering any do with having any mother at all, doing so much work with so many of us but leaving out those of us who remember or how anything about her.

We were as confident as we could be that we got the plan out to Mum when we got the confirmation through. The chances of someone else knowing that code was ridiculously small. Impossible even but numbers girl knew that but not that it was a good idea, emotion girl knew it was absolutely something we needed and had to do but would never feel convinced it was real.. We stood by the electric fire in the flat thinking on that before an ill fated attempt at something domestic in the kitchen.

"We know you were talking to your mother.."

We knew we would not of done anything to trigger an attack from these cunts if we did not think we could handle it. Little was quite frustrated when some of them ran away down the close and got away and we saw ourself standing there in the lobby outside our flat door and we knew we must of had contact with mother because whenever we did we got this glaring obvious self awareness that we didn't get at all when we had all thoughts of her safely at the back of an endless cupboard. That had to be a significant factor in why they were all so against her but it wasn't just that. Her very existence seemed to threaten them, all of them we never saw them unite quite like they did for anything or anyone else.

We weren't on our own when it finally did start to unravel. We had sisters and others there to help hold us together. We are not worried about that happening again because we know we have it up so it will happen gradually. We don't feel like we are endangering ourself particularly either. It feels the same lots of danger but we are maybe a bit less scared of it.





April 18, 2017

..refused to allow us to maintain his life through unnatural means..

We knew. Before, after, during on various levels and never all at the same time. Someone tried to make us face it in hospital we hid from them but think he grabbed us and stared into our eyes, "Your Dad's dead. He died months back." Then he said something about that being the reason we were ill and in there using pretty stigmatising language. We came round then. We knew who we were in comparison to him. He was on the floor when someone else non friendly came in and asked about the guy on the floor. We were back sitting on the bed, all tiny. We said the guy said something horrible so we hit him but he was okay he would get up in a minute. He said something we didn't understand or hear and then left quite quickly. We looked down on the other guy. He wasn't going to getting up again and we knew that meant we were probably safe enough to sleep soon as no one would want to come near us. We tried not to think about all the drugs that were feat away and how much we were terrified of them in general but particularly in the hands of scary people.

There was someone less horrible who talked to us briefly about it sometime in the days after that. Think he might of asked us if we were all right and we were stable enough to say we were obviously were not. We have said stuff about Scotland and the role they had us in being permanently unsafe so often we probably managed to repeat some of that because we can remember feeling the hate rise in one of the guys with him and pity in the other when we did. We asked the guy we were speaking to look at the most basic facts about me and son's life and history and ask how we would agreed to or be benefiting from any of it.

He looked away, he wasn't disagreeing. The hater did. He said something noxious that gave the pitier a bit of a start and stare him instead of me. We were going to say something but then just let out a sigh and motioned towards the guy who said the noxious shit then looked back up the guy who we didn't hate enough that we would not be able to talk to at all. Not sure if that was a time when we said something. Something about if that was true what would talking to us like achieve or bring up some of the many many inconvenient to their fiction facts or if it was one of the times when we just remembered that 95% of the time nothing we could say would change there perspective it had to come from someone they knew, someone they identified with, one of their own and remained uncooperative until they left.

Was it a yearish ago? I dunno. Could be. If it's true. It was awful. Someone used to say he didn't like me and my Daddy being so close because it would be hurt us too much when we were apart. What utter bollocks. None of us bought it for a moment but some our sisters got tricked into it and very furious when they realised it was just more divide and conquer nastiness. It didn't matter that we got a little time to hold and weep with our remaining sisters at the hospital we could barely even see them we were just so broken. It mattered to the littles that we can't access on our own lots though.

We were also just so focused on getting through certain conversations with particular slavers/intel agents. We were split into parts that were able to deal with the associated traumas and ones that absolutely could not and we needed to show the petrified ones that the rest of us we were there now and could stand up to the abusers and protect them.

There was moments when people turned and left and we watched them collapsed on that hospital bed weeping in relief at being left there alone like that because other worse alternatives were so close. So fucking close.

Surveillance Surveillance Surveillance and Extreme Violence

Washed and dried our bedding on the line yesterday so of course we need to stay in it this morning and get it all less clean. Pretty confident we will manage to pull ourselves out later on to do more cleaning. The kitchen is much better. It's between the garden and the rest of the house so if the outside if pulling us it gets easier to keep it from getting too bad. There's plants, seeds and furniture on the way. That will definitely motivate. Lad has promised to assist with the bench that has been in the house in a box for almost a year..

Can't seem to catch CNN not being shit as much as we did. There's Al Jazeera of course if we can stomach the blood. Go for the bairns. How original. How brave. How effective..

 Steady stream of meetings being exposed between Dumpists and wealthy Russians though on twitter. Bits here and there about European countries to. Not Britain so much. Expect that stuff with the important website going down and an important time and stuff connecting Farage and Assange. But nothing much and nothing that had any real effect..

When we were working with U.S agents who at least believed they were telling us the truth and not going to be part of shutting us down it would be heart breaking watching them trying to get their heads round right wing Russia and Britain and US media connections with the available information. They still had lots of respect for their British colleagues and where no where near seeing/accepting that they had been playing them the whole time. We hinted to a couple of them who we could see by the look in their eyes and the work they were submitting they would going to be letting any of it go that maybe the should consider looking further back than they had been.

They found me on my way to being pulled out of there and sent back to rape based stuff. Again there eyes gave them away it was a massive relief that we needed to survive the next months and years, they were getting somewhere. In a typical North American manner looks are not enough for them and they said a bunch of stuff that confirmed and some that were getting somewhere.

The break up of the UK seems so much more likely than it did. Proper exposure here seems impossible as ever of course. The links between the shit we have written about across the blog are out there. We would ask them in Russia why if they wanted to destabilise everything everyone why they wanted to protect the existence of the U.K so we would be repeatedly told in varying detail and bluntness about the shared interests and culture. Thee was bugger all point in sharing this stuff with Brits but we gave it a go pretty much for the fun of it anyway. Different story with the Yanks. There was a few who said it was all fake and we knew they would we just wanted to expose them to it anyway, a few who were triggered in an extreme manner and attempted to take us out then and there or arrange something for later if that was not practical but there were others who equally horrified by the material and British full involvement in what Russians were doing in the UK.

Full involvement with all the large scale awareness and consent that involves. Yuck Sir. We've caught ourself half wishing we hadn't held Daddy get safer and bit better because we knew he would ask as soon as he would ask about it and no would can ever be ready to hear or speak such stuff. Britain, Russia, R.A, established authorities, Us'es. He would here everything we would safe and when we could would get someone to take him to sites where are people where working with the evidence and tell him and show him stuff we will never be old enough to. We would hide and cry when he came back and spend the whole time fretting when he was away. If there was anyone around they would usually be able to get it out of us that Daddy was being told the worst stuff about Britain and they would help distract and comfort us.

He often cry to when he did get back, he would usually say he was proud of us and a couple times he was shaking and was just so quiet and pale and would just sit on the edge of his bed staring. We put our hands around his and wrap ourself around him as best we could. If he wept we knew it was a good sign it would be he would be able to rest and have a chance at being okish. We would be wound so tight until he did. One time people kept asking us what was wrong and when we said and they told him he told us he was okay he didnt need to cry this time we ok and then asked if was okay if we could sing to him and got him to cry that way. He hugged us properly again then, laughing and crying at the same time.

None of any of that was even imaginable over here. At any point then or now.




April 17, 2017

Ug Daddy,

It's even worse with no contact with you are my sisters. I mean I know you and them are always 'here' but without real regular reminders that you and them are physically real it gets harder and harder to remember who I am..

...

"What about our mother?"

We had had a feeling she was about to ask that and we had been trying to get the energy to get up and try and get away from it but she would of probably of just followed us or asked louder anyway. All the rest of us were in a post battle dissociative haze, coming down and coming down hard. Not her. She was up. Her brain only seemed to turn on when everyone else turned off. It was probably because that was the only time she could get a word in or could even hear herself but it did our head in.

I'm not allowed to get into that until we are older.

Says who?

Well it's not so much as we aren't alive it's that we have enough to deal with and it would be best to leave until we are older..

We all looked over at someone when she squeaked and flinched because something under debris near her foot. It stopped and she moved on and the rest of us looked away. Chirpy was quiet and we were so glad for a moment then before it dawned what that silence meant. She was thinking and the longer she thought the worse the next question would be.

It didn't come from her. It came from Sombre sitting next her.

But I thought you knew everything.

We probably sighed and she was maybe about to say something else but we stopped her. It was a fair point and as good a time as any to address it.

Yeah but it's really deep down. Our sanity wouldn't be able to cope with how bad it's going to be and we have to fight hard and we won't be able to do that if some of the things that are going to happen are going to happen no what what we do.. It will make the programming worse and make it easier for us to give information to people who shouldn't have it.

They both made noises in agreement. Flincher was still wandering through the debris looked over at us. She was coming round. We were not completely convinced of all of it it. There was certainly some truth but we knew we had not figured out difference between all of abusive and supportive systems when it came it to people who said they were trying to protect us. We didn't really feel in a state to make any head way with it then and there.

Bro said something then. We had forgotten he was there because he hadn't been there for a while and because they had but all of us through stuff aimed at making us forget and bury all sense and memory of him. Can't remember what it was but it was really useful. One of us said we were really glad he was here and the rest of us agreed. He started crying and I we really started remembering him properly and we all ended up hugging and crying.

The transporter came for us not long after that. We were terrified they were going to take him from us but the guy said it wouldn't be happening yet. None of us cared how long for or what they were going to do to us next not in that moment we were just glad we were together. So glad. I and maybe more of us knew we had been told they would make us suffer greatly for any joy and happiness we felt no matter how or why we felt it but it didn't matter. For a while. They made him sleep in one of the changes when we got back think they said it was because it was knew to them. We didn't believe it we saw the way they looked at him. If bro knew he wasn't showing it and was curled up facing us and smiling with his eyes closed and we couldn't help smiling like that to.

He made it easy to let go of the worries over biological mothers and wars we would have to fight after we had survived all the wars we were currently in.