July 21, 2017

Hey Hubs,

lol! We can talk to you can't we or at least at you a bit. We get a bit shy with our parents when we haven't seen them in a while. We need to say it!! That audio slave cunt and the evil fucked up prick from the one of the lost profit bands. They were quite active in the slavery and horror that us kept us down. Made for the job of course but they cant be churning out someone who has tortured us many times of several decades overnight. We know we did a shit load of damage to the systems behind the high profile scenes. We just couldn't get near the media and entertainment ones. They are not looking so scary now!!! Was him that time in St Andrews with Margo and her mum quite pregnant and going round the charity shops, get out of the house for a while and he walks past, the fucking way he looked at us. The notice the signs of affluence that you cant have triggers that we don't generally get if its just some rich fuck and some rich fuck who is involved in trafficking us.  It got to us of course but we were able to notice that all long with the very real longterm horrificness was a just as certain knowledge we were going outlive him and the cunt from audio slave it just wasn't going to happen for a while yet.

We not having some problems unfollowing people cause like bad people. It's a shame but its not like we get so much out of other things they tweet that we cant get somewhere else. And it makes us feel so bad we have to move away from not being able to do anything about that. We are very happy that we can start move away from that now.

So much is coming back and you how it works once you start to have a kind of outline on stuff and the details start coming back and that means sensory memories of not just bad things happening.  That's really cool. We remember how much we looked after each whenever we could when we were younger. Neither were supposed to be aware of our surroundings never mind bonding and fighting for each other.. Stupid broken fools only see what they are can't imagine anything else. Higher ups a bit more aware though huh. Systems a bit more complex but above that it went back to pretty simple and as they mostly were about convincing the hiarchies that they didn't exist it was pretty easy to make up some shit that mean we could involve their own systems attacking them. The hierarchies all lie and manipulate and exploit each other so its at most levels its pretty easy to turn them against each other and give us some space. You know all this. Our brain still works better we think about you. But it is still very scared to as well though.

Bastards. Both of them gone though. Were kinda in weepy place out of relief and that kind of tired relaxed sleepyness that comes after weeping. We don't care about how many of the people who put abusers on our TL have been put there to do that. It's so sad really. All those fuckers who didn't think it was 'that bad' and didn't believe how much was going on to bring about the Trump presidency and Brexit. And stop Scottish Independence because Scotland is where to do and keep a lot of their dirty work and they to keep that theirs and not discussed or challenged nevermind bloody end. Even though it much of it has effectively ended. We couldn't stop those main aims they way things and were but we could stop some of the plans the rest of the hierarchies were trying to tack on. They can't get us again. Not like that and their far away support is nothing but dust, wreckage and memorials.

So Earth being Earth. People are forcing all awareness of any of this away even harder than before, burying themselves into their programming with added gusto. I believe, my work here is done because there is nothing more I can do with this shit hole. If someone else wants ago at cleaning it up then they are very welcome to try but I also believe there may be a time limitation as we are needed and need to be elsewhere and if we are not going to be allowed to leave it will have to be done by force.

We are thinking we maybe should try and life some of the blurry between parts. We don't mean we could or want to be like system on twitter who we think are cool but have definite name and stuff but to accept that we go amnesiac during switches and it easy not to notice because its quick and they trained us hard to not notice for a long time and repeatedly and set up to constantly retriggered when alone or under constant direct abuse i.e all the fucking time.

It is important that we are addressing this because its mean a major fucking issue. That that we have any sense of a clue where to go with it now .. but .. we getting Jacqui memories or rather walking away from sessions feeling good, really fucking good because the decades of lying and faking and producing fake intel for the abuse hierarchies had worked. It had been so hard and so exhausting for decades but it was starting to pay of in more than just temporary shot term ways. Everything she had been trained and told to say to us was having the opposite effect to the intended one. She would bring up a past horror and we would relieved to remember. She would try and make us feel helpless and we would get empowered. And then when we had fucked up their fake intel systems she had to start behaving like a proper therapist because she was being watched by forces who were no in on it and we ended up getting some real therapy. Lol. So horrible when it worked though and whatever they did to us at home worked with what was pulled in the session but we learned quick and undermined that to.

Jesus. No wonder we can't get out of bed.

Feeling all sad now. Yes. That pair of baby and little torturing scum bag slavers is dead! Fuck yeah. We gonna try not go under during holiday. It's safer now.

Wish you were here. We are hungry and don't want to eat and you could help with that without we just gonna end up smoking more and its not good for us when we do it to much or the little boy. The little boy is gonna be bigger than us really really soon! He's lovely. Mostly.

Love you, thank you.

xxxxxxx

July 20, 2017

"We knew it wasn't you."

We double booked our non refundable train tickets..Fuck ups are expected & that is quite a nippy one money wise. We are going to have to take even more money from Niall wot with the week we are away being skint week.. Very glad to have a few days away from our discomfort zone home anyway.

There is part/s we are concerned about though. The ones that were told they would never go any where for fun or comfort. They are to be taken places to be used, they do not going on glamping trips with their son. They don't laugh, they don't know how to have fun, they don't know how to feel safe or loved or loving. They are supposed to be the parts that they develop into being abuser prostitutes that will agree to anything being done to them and agree to doing anything to anyone else. We can remember standing in Skene as they tried to talk us into giving up on ourself and not being as the only way to survive. They didn't know how many of there was, who had had what done when so it wouldn't work as well on us as it had on them. Instead of meat puppet we remember a strong sense appeared through all the knowing and remembering nothing that we did know who we were, we were not them and we knew what we had to do as well it was simple we just had to not ever be them. We were so relieved.

We need to start to seeing if there are ways that we can widen our sense of who and what we are. When kept isolated we start finding it harder and harder to feel real without something definite and horrific to resist. There are many who this we encouraged it in ourself because we knew that if we have strong parts that only come out around abusers then they will start sending less abusers to us. It kinda worked but these tough AF parts are not going be able to resist the heavy high doses of whatever to incapacitate us, its a big part of why we are just terrified of people because they so often have be used, forced, blackmailed, paid to slip them to us. We are scared of Niall because of that. It's a horrible place knowing the family or people you live with could do something like that at any moment. Every cup of tea or food offered could be the last or put us back into years of being a rape slave and breeder. Horrible.

We talked some stuff through last year, this isn't a departure from everything being known about for a long time before. We have to involved in the security. The making sure abusers don't think we will do something we know we will, doing what we can to scuper their plans if they do know or are just covering their bases. We have figure out and find out the things we can't do and the things we can if we work really hard to keep them away. We got so used to seeing agents and officers whenever we go anywhere we stop noticing unless they have kids with them and are pretending to be family when they arn't we would notice that. Sometimes we would see them with their real families and we would end up feeling so glad that it wasn't us. No one was teaching those kids any better, they knew abuse and bullshit and nothing else, poor souls.

Some people actually believe it when they told that level of trailing and surveillance if for our protection but it's about triggering, intimidating and reminding us that we are powerless and that they will never stop controlling and owning us. So much easier to face all this shit now they don't have all that evil tech. Knowing your rapist can literally press a button and you will be incapacitated.. But its not just the bad guys that are watching us now while the good guys watch carefully crafted fiction often created by abuser institutions and authorities that make it seem like we are safe and cared for and not dying.

Which complex sophisticated shit but we've got parts that have complex and sophisticated down and friends who were good to us and other people so we had no problem sharing our tech and science with. I hope they get here soon.




July 19, 2017

kinda momentous really

Several excuses to be slightly pissed these evening. It's Tuesday for one and that is generally reason enough, it's also been sunny. We finished off replacing the crappy planks that made  a tiny border in front of the fence, it's great to have it finally done we are quite chuffed, we have been giving those planks dirty looks since Margo had the lease on this place. Also, late last night sleepless and agitated we ended up looking to see if there was any wee holidays available for me and the lad and did find a possible but figured the feeling wouldnt last. It did come during the day though our mood is so shitty we have to do something and we have been feeling quite excited about the eye food and the time somewhere else with junior.
...

Not so pissed now. Sleepless & bloated. Head full of gang rape. And much excitement about the trip, been pouring over the websites an feeling like stuff we have been putting off like get a phone that works and I doubt we could get an appointment in time but we are thinking dentist to. There is a day trip we have pretty much completly committed ourself to by mentioning it to dude and that is our biggest worry about it really we should fine just on the site though. It looks pretty wonderful, hills, seaside, woodland walks, crafts.. so glad we could finally feel able to leave the house even if its kind of fucked up that we are way more comfortable with the thought of travelling a few hours and staying somewhere else than we are going on day trips from here.  So glad we are doing something with the money other than buying weed because we have been going through too much. N will no doubt give us holiday pennies to yet its all good and heading in the right direction mental health wise. Oh man. Scenery. Air. Somewhere elseness.

There was another reason for the pissedness that we were too pissed to mention earlier. Dude said weeks ago he was getting hairs and we brushed it off and certainly didn't go in for a close up but today when we were eating hotdogs outside and he was in his onesie with the buttons not bloody done as usual and yep. Black lines around ma baby boy's tinkle.. Christ he's a boy and he's not even ten yet. It was quite a shock we were already on the pink wine so thanks to that we still managed to eat most the hot dog. He seemed quite proud and agreed he should read the puberty/sex book again. Wondering about stuff like stress and lack of exercise bringing it on early.. I'm proud of him and so relieved and proud of us for getting him this far but christ there is going to be a man about the place. Who we have clean up after and care for..We said it meant we would expect him to do just a little more and he said that we had agreed on 13 for that but Im pretty certain we said 10.. He can do a little more for himself I'm not expect him to work hard or anything.

So glad we had just booked when we saw that..




July 16, 2017

really done with this being a slave bullshit

Husband, Husband, Husband.

Bits and bobs are coming back now from all the decades. It's sunnyish outside. We are still in bed.  
Runnin low on weed again we have gone through so much. We remember how much we have always felt at home sitting on your lap at any age. How we can't help waiting for you because you told us to long ago to and we really tried to forget it but couldn't.

We are watching us slide in and out of denial. Its quiet fascinating.

We are not going to say it was better when all images of you that came up internally were instantly banished to parts we couldn't talk to. We had to we knew we had it wasn't safe, it was very unsafe and we would remember when it was safe to be us but the longer we kept ourself and were kept down the harder it was to come back, to recognise us at all.

It's just you that has us wanting to cry all day today. We did get up not too late though and we can imagine we might feel better tomorrow enough to garden or something and its been a little while since we felt that. No it wasn't any better when we were working the denial and the amnesia but we could pretend it was, could pretend things could get better just as they are and they we don't just really really need you. We could talk about it, us, you in other languages though and would endlessly with us backed into a corner English speakers picking up your now and again as we talked and could only guess at everything else.

We said we had done it didn't we? All the shit we had to do before we could just be. All the manipulating our own parts to keep secrets and living day to day thinking and feeling like no one knew us and know who cared what happened to us. It's over. It doesn't mean it will change but it can and it will there was enough amazing people there that we believed it we will see you soon and we won't have to separate or be separated and be raped and locked up like we always have been.

It will feel so normal and so good and that's not normal so it will be really weird. Kind of presuming there will be more war but we arn't giving ourself any clues. We remember that guy trying to repeat to us stuff we told him about nowish and the future but we just went deaf because systems were not set up for guys to helpfully try and repeat things we told them to ease our anxieties about the future. He seemed so shocked that I was in state so distant from all my work but it helped him join us and help stop this from being done to me.

We have been kind of having that in mind. The severe contrasts between how we are when first rescued and how we can be if we have been out for a while, how much it must hurt people to see that.

We know its pointless but completely natural to be frustrated with ourself for not organising sorties and our own evacuation or not found a way to have you here in Fife. We could support each other and take the bairn out and be terrified of everyone and everything together! We really seem to be unable to do it ourself thats for sure. And we are getting sick of smoking weed, pal is just getting into it after years and is all enthusiastic but we feel like we are only smoking it because it makes us cry and bit less and be less snappy with junior. She started taking more of an interest.. It's not easy.. We don't feel like going into any detail at all we are glad of the company though she does take our mind of missing you so much though.

It's just not going to go away. We know it never will. The only thing that ever made here better was you and your not here so its never going to get better so you will have to come here or we have to leave it's that simple and it will happen.

I love you.
See you soon.
Please.

July 15, 2017

Stupid lonely dreams

Looks like another bed day then.. Little bits and pieces do get done in the evening. And its raining. Stupid uni/university town dreams again. Before we woke up we were standing outside with a crowd waiting to go into a lecture and the tutor was there chatting about the course and everyone else seemed to know each other and if they were in the right place or not. We may have dreamed this before where we decide this is not working and walk away from the lecture and whatever course we are supposed to be doing for good. It be good to not those dream any more, a lot of it is quiet literal we were registered at a old University, we loved the degree there was no degree we wanted more but abuse, abusers, poverty made it impossible.

Those parts made for uni still seem to be waiting at the door with the stationary packed and oh so keen. It's obvs not just a "uni" and "a uni town" where everyone else is connected enough to each other and has a concentration span that means they can remember where they are its society, culture, work.. family. Hope we really are starting to cut our loses and accept you cant get a degree when you don't know the course. There are aspects that are straight memories like lecturers confusing us for a normal privileged university middle class kid and talking to us like we knew where we were or where we were going. The was one this morning to I think, I'm just weeping and weeping in someone's office saying "they won't let me get my degree." There is someone there who is comforting us, patting us mostly and it doesn't feel inappropriate but there are saying very little and I think that conveys a resignation in the comforter that there is nothing we can do, they are not going to stop me from getting my degree and much much else and no one is going to stop them. It's quiet chilling.

It will e some old horrific loop we haven't got round to cutting open yet. They only let us near something to show how they will make sure it is not for us, that anything we can grab from it will be completely out weighed by whatever it costs us and should we win anything better for us the will turn up personally to fuck it and us up.

Hope your not all morbid and gloomy and bedridden as us. People are not supposed to survive that amount of trauma and we are worried that we might start believing that remember to much and just fall to pieces.. But we are more than "person" anyway so we can survive..

We do remember some dreams that are more than the depressed like we have been told we have had. Moments of usness but there is a phobias with them, that stuff is evil and turn away from it feeling because we know we have a lot of work there but this is hitting levels that vast amounts of the horror was built on.. "I cannot exist so this cannot be happening".. We have dreamed about watching lots of people dig and that felt better than all the isolation and denied opportunities ones. That programmed self phobia is going be a part of why we are still fucking here, isolated, confused and denied isn't it?

It must be close to the stuff when they showed us lots of the tech that was out there and what it could do and how it would be used if we didn't follow orders. It feels deeper somehow and we are not sure if it worked on them still having people and powers they don't have any more. We certainly don't have a clear sense of being terrified of us that they have forced us into in the past. We couldn't believe it when they showed us the tech and where it was. It was such a gift.

Nah we are more at the point where we don't understand how we can't help us and we know the internal phobias and denial are a big factor in that and they don't have anything like the power they had. Well so much of what we have been writing for months has been stuff that when they made us swear we would talk or write about we used to feel they had won completely and never could. But other parts always will whenever we can because they will kill us if we don't manage to get help to us. Is the really, really worse times really over? Hmm. We thinking about all the times the calls with Johnstons and people forcing us to pretend to be a Johnston in amongst the worst of it, central to the worst of it all. We done enough to keep them all back? We don't know til we try..

You could come look after us if wanted anyway we think we can be scary and strong enough for when they try the worst. It's not hopeless any more is it? But we are probs gonna feel that way for while yet its been so bad. I'm not that scared. We remember what fear is like when there is real immediate danger that we have to stop by ourself when we have no clear memories of anything and no strong sense of anything. Then we find the muscle memory and the being a computer when it comes to self defence and its is clear and strong and not letting us down if there is any physical abilities left in us at all. Things slowed down and we saw ourself debating and judging the best and quickest way to end him because he would be back with a bunch of mates soon after if we did anything else. Getting them to change to leaving us programmed to be little because they thought that would make us defenceless when it was the opposite and if they hadn't we and so many bairns would most likely be dead. But I guess there weren't as much trying to kill all of us as much as desperate to as many as possible and would of stopped when got what they wanted.

What am I supposed to do with me here like this? Stay cozy. I know.


Love yous.



Again

Hey Honey,

Took some of pals painkillers tonight. She actually got a bit pushy with them we have told her before that we prefer getting wasted alone and writing and she didn't look to impressed. But we do. We would rather use them to help us remember and talk to you than listen to her deviate between between going on about how lovely drugs are to saying she is going to come of the pills. She has said that enough times that when she asked us if we were annoying us tonight we said "a little bit".. Our phone has died it seems now to so she probs thinks I'm ignoring her. Shame. It is trying though listening to addictions talking.

Not sure what you would think about her apart from the obvious stuff about her not being the utter sicko they set us up with last time but you don't like that she can be a bit oblivious to us. She does try to draw us out but all the drug talk can have us a bit triggered and tense. She has told us way more than she is not comfortable with and it is bothering her and its not like we are beyond bringing it up unhelpfully because we are in a place where we have no problem seeing a connection between trauma and addictions and can't keep out gob shut in face of constant unrelenting denial. It's not nice really but we understand we do it to break up the unbareable amount of crushing memories that brought up by the lofty impossible goals and promises that weren't asked for.

As is so often the case, she's a lovely lass with so much to offer but lost all confidence and I really hope she gets some back and not just because she would probably not be annoying at all then.

We are quite wasted ourself, what with the pills and the Guinness and the weed.. Wasted enough to remember you better. Especially since we have been doing that and trying to do that a lot anyway.  My god hasn't it been unbelievable horrific? We are getting glimpses of non dissociated torture and some of the conditions we have been forced into and don't feel the same split. We've got me back. I think.

We really wish we hadn't been hurt so much so there was more of us left for you. We know you feel the same about you. Your the only person we don't mind sharing a bed with. We should be together. We are trying to remember how it felt to see you again at the hospital after so many years of not. We had seen you briefly in other places but we knew you knew the parts that need you they most can't go out and about. Knowing you loved them and needed to reach them so badly when we couldn't reach them gave us what we needed keep going. Know we are remembering the waking up on your lap married and it being ok we were all little because you are just as bad and our giggle..

Yeah the memories we have chased with depression and drugs are doing our head in because you are not here and I am not there. Believe? Okay we will try we can almost remember how easy all that hope and faith stuff is when your around.

We love you. All of yous.






July 14, 2017

Wonder if we will do a better job today at leaving the house or gardening? Or not hating ourself for not doing stuff.

Well not doing stuff, not yet anyway.

My God. What a state. Those poor babies. A mean what woman doesn't fantasy about trussed up like a royal show pony to display their newborns like they are pieces of bling. Wow they look so safe, respected and cared for.. wish it was me and mine.. Gotta be grateful its not a exhausted, messy hair, sleeping newborns, smiling parents shot that would of got to us more because it so normal, so hard to reject and but so impossible for us.

You'll be struggling.  Scum bags having preparing us for this forever and its underestimated how much we knew, understood, was embedded in the higher levels of all this shit so we didn't see people as the terrifying hate filled gangs out to get us we saw absent meat puppets that had no idea what they were doing and were incapable of registering never mind acting on the strings or the string pullers.

We remember people trying to force us to get trussed up to for a video, all that usual you should of grown out of fighting back but now talk, a few folk around with their heads down and doing nowt. We were post pubescent and trapped as a little and the shame of it is supposed to make you do what your told but we would rather that shame than what we would have to do to ourself to perform like they were demanding. I don't know if they got it out of us in the end that day or not.

They truly have everything they were told they were going to get and they didn't/couldn't care about the what happens next when they did as they were meant to and made the deals they made. We knew everyone seemed to be basing their presents and futures on stuff that we knew was impossible and not going to happen but any presence in anyone at all and you are going to know that people involved in all that horror stuff are not to be believed but you need presence for that and it was set up to make that near impossible.

Hope your taking it easy. Hope even more that we hear from you soon.

xxxx