March 26, 2017

You ladies triplets? .. Nah Sir we're cousins..

Happy Mother's Day Sister Mother!

Thank you to all the bairns that got us to buy our self flowers & do whatever we can for ourself when they can't.

Feeling pretty crappy to be honest. The kid narrating Zelda from the other room is not helping. Any chance you could take him for a wee while?

Will go through and join him soon. The tearfulness is never that far away. She was our main mum wasn't she? That's why we went to such extremes to keep her alive. She choose to not leave us and wouldn't allow us to stop her. I know you would have done the same if you could of. We felt so guilty for not being able to get and keep her away like we did you. She decided she was our last line of defence when everything else failed and no one stopped her.

We said it was all just part of their master plans. To make her the only thing we have had here and then take her away so I would we easy pickings. She was very confident I would not be easy pickings and there would be a way for us to forgive people for their complicity in her life and death. That is the bit that worried us most deeply then and now. The don't kill them keep them slaves cartels usually get the upper hand because they are better connected, better educated and more presentable than the slaughter and rape now addicts. We couldn't help thinking it would be so much better if I died and she lived. I could program her in ways no one could touch. You know she did not see anything in those kind of terms though.

"Trust me." She would say and we knew we had to trust someone and no one else was remotely appropriate. We knew we could giver her access to all our systems and she could do what we couldn't with them because she had not been living with them and being tortured over them. "All that stuff we didn't get." I explained they were looking for which ones of us had it and it was very important that they didn't find out that was part of why we couldn't tell either of you.

Ug. gotta go.

Love to all.

xxx

March 24, 2017

Death To Patriarchy

Hey Sis,

Told the our lad the tooth fairy wasn't real tonight. He's lost a tooth and we find that stuff hard anyway but he's nine and we don't feel the same pressure to. He asked if Santa was real and we winked at him and said of course. He's not ready for that. Not if it just comes from me and I don't have something else to offer him as some kind of trade off. *drum roll* cleaned his room. Always amazes us that the carpet exists and is in mostly reasonable condition. We did it in little blasts running to and for between it and Hyrule. Death bloody mountain. Might go back later. Tired after the cleaning though and the bickering. The bickering is exhausting. It does make a difference if we stay on him case though. It's hard though because we get so emotional. We don't think he means it but he's learned that if he is rude and disrespectful to us he gets his own way and we end up sitting in another room trying to work up the courage and the strategy to survive it, to get our basic needs met like he's a well protected pimp. Exactly what they want him to be and exactly how they want us to feel and we know we have to do whatever we can to stop it.

He will be ten soon and it makes us so angry when we think about his childhood and how much his mothers and his mothers friends were taken from him. He just came in there and read some of this over our shoulder. He thought "sis" meant Lynne.. And started saying he had a right to know the truth and brought up stuff we have told him when we were really ill. We have told him we going to have supper together and he was trying to get us to do it early. We said half past. We have repeatedly told him not to read what we write. He needs more we have said it so many times but writing it doesn't make it easier.

Bumblebee came. It made us so happy. We have hidden it and the box. We kissed it we were so happy putting it away. We got a boy's toy. :-D We so proud. Got beef to make stew on Sunday. Dude said they made Mother's Day cards at skool but he said he found his ripped on the floor and didn't know what happened to it. He said he had the pieces in his bad and got upset when they weren't there. I hope he just didn't want to make one and made the rest up. He's terrible with the truth. He can't help it. Could all be true to though.


Ordered some game tshirts for dude. Had to order a Zelda one for us to. It's gonna get warmer soon. We will tidy up garden and order flowers. We are not planting seeds though we don't want to plan to be here, to nurture here. All the stuff we wrote just so something would happen and maybe a bit to die and we end up back here..

But we have us now or at least are starting to again. That is definitely something that helps so much in here but in terms of getting us out there for air and sky and exercise.. It does bug that air and sky and exercise are just there all we need to do to access it is open fucking door and we don't. It might as well be gasses that turn steel or bone alike to mist out there.

We are a long way from "accepting" all the threats and actual horrors from the sky there's been though. You can't live here and remember that. I thought they were bullshitting about that but they were right but only because they made it so. They made it impossible for people to turn to each other. We were so glad you weren't here.

xx





March 23, 2017

Good girls.

Still irritable and a bit tearful. But that's okay. There was big Kinder Eggs in the Co op that were bought and haven't made it to Easter. A My Little Pony one for him and A Transformer one for us. He has ran off the little Transformer. Think we will have a look on Amazon. Maybe if we invest in "boy's toys" it will help us get past a "not allowed" that always crush us. Even if it's something we don't particularly want. The whole thing about people having that level of power over me is so permanently horrible. Well you get it. It's a big part of why we had to keep you so far away so much. It just wasn't possible for any of us to survive it if all of us knew nothing else.

We have the doubts of course but we are not reacting to them much. Doubt is like worry it just means that something hurts more than it needs to. Having you and Louise as part of our constant daily consciousness feels to grounding to be bull. Feels to everything. All we can ever do when the time between contact is soo long is wait and see what our brain brings us tomorrow. Feels real. Feels soon. 

That has to have been the last time one of us ever does that for each other.

Sisters he is bugging us. Really bugging us. Any time we try and impart any kind of information or knowledge to him it gets returned to sender with actuallys, well Is and various what we just saids. It gets us snappy, tearful and down beaten and we feel we are not able to deal with the causes of it all.

It's not his fault it's not our fault. They don't need to have their hands on boys for long their hands are all over cultures that made the kids mind before they get there. He spent years living in a culture of hate and unpredictability, around people we all needed us to be safe and far away from.

Asda delivery today though, noticed Mother's Day stuff is every where and got as some flowers and smelly candles and Guinness. I need to go back through and try and not be horrible to him even if he's being crappy to me. It's only until 7:30 when his colour screen time ends and he moves onto his kindle and we get the living room. And the Wii. It's soo fucking palpable how much our hungry littles hate watching him play a game they feel they need more, cause he's doing it all wrong, cause he keeps shooting the wildlife when we only fish or because he runs around too much because they are not used to be allowed fair turn. They don't expect to be spoken to and certainly don't expect to be heard if they do speak so they don't expect any different when we are asked for helped then ignored but they notice how it makes the closest they have to care takers feel and they hate it. We hate they whole "he talks to us like that because that's how people speak to us it will never change." thing. What difference does it make to parts that feel that the strongest that he is a child. He is nine. What did we know of childhood experiences and norms at nine or any age? How have we been treated by other nine year old boys..

The slavers wouldn't of needed much direct access to parts that feel so small, helpless and in danger to turn the indifference and vague affection towards him into terror and resentment either. That's one of those not matter what we have said or how convincing we sounded saying otherwise there is no going back from that in terms of how we see the people that we asked to help us stop and those that enabled them. We're struggling to accept whatever happened. Struggling to believe its something we can handle as we are. Very much a favourite weapon at the cerebral end of operations, keeping someone in a place where they have to stay dissociated and making sure that dissociation maintains vulnerability. Makes one feel in need of a Royal Broadsword or three. Last bow we got from a Lynel is amazing. Just as well coz it took ages and we went through loads of food and weapons.

Entire Goron set was bought today to with his help to find the village when he got in from school.

He keeps humming "Stronger than you". It's been months and months. We have started calling him out for it. Whatever pattern in his heid that he is fixated on and going over and over we have to start interrupting. For the kids and school staff as well as us and him.

There's not too much point in moaning to you about dude when you have your hands full. Love to all.

Didn't have a completely unsuccessful day myself. Found the Zora helmet which completes the armour and that is very exciting. Extremely exciting even. We will have to try and not tell dude tomorrow depending on what time he is up.

She's amazing and thank you for what you did and sorry for feeling like we like we had nothing left to fight with or for.

There is one tin left. We are a bit tempted but we probably wouldn't get to the bottom of it anyway. Are you going to send a man to us? Or a woman we could really love a woman or a neither. Tell you more about Zelda well we are getting ancient arrows now that make those Guardian mother fuckers infinitely easier to deal with. Been able to register faster, wilder horses. Really fast. Dude did a much better job fixing the first divine beast than we did he didn't manage to figure our how to do the battle that gets you in but once we told him we watched him deal with puzzles we were totally dense over. We can compliment each other really well when we aren't really irritating each other.

Yeah the hormones suck. Your gonna do fine.
Love you.







March 22, 2017

No more hospitals

Struggled with being irritable today but we missed a couple of days anti depressants because of the change to taking them after tea so we don't end up chucking up the pill and half a stomach of bile. Don't think twice about taking whatever you need to end this. It's what it's there for. We are trying not think about keeping the lad entertained during the summer holidays and starting to save for a computer. Such thoughts arn't as hard on us as last year and so much has happened but you know how it works. It can so heavy and so permanent before someone has even shut the door never mind months later.

Breathe. Be little. That's always the problem falling or being shoved into pretending we are a big girl. We need to go into to town and get another fairy. Having only two isn't right is it? I think they had different ones and we would like maybe a bigger one for her because she isn't here to demand her's is the same as ours.

That would cut down our Hyrule time though..

We will see.


March 20, 2017

March

We didn't just finish each other sentences we finished each other's ...  ...
thoughts.

No hope of much in the way of mental health after a loss like that. Even without all the other surrounding trauma.

Two appointments today. CPN in the morning. School in the afternoon. Both were fine. Progress being made people ok with that.

Was ok with N being down. Our confidence isn't as low so that makes everything a little better. Zelda of course to and he took the lad swimming while we cleaned that was also good, very good. In the meeting today his teacher said he focused better this morning than she has seen him in a while. Wish we could exercise him properly it makes so much difference to him and his mood.

We picked at out toenails last night. Including a little one until it bled and we were quite close to ripping it off. It was too sore though so we stopped. We don't feel as vulnerable to being effected by things our visitor says or his general attitude but it's still tricky because of stuff at levels we haven't bagged and tagged yet.

Think that was one of the many things you told us to not worry about especially at this point.




March 18, 2017

I can't do anything about the I.D but should really try move on from Louise's Spotify list.

What else is lost with Louise? Well not just relationships and good feelings about people but most of both mine and your will and motivation to fight for Earth. She saw so much potentials and good here much easier than me or you. We just saw scorched earth. We made sure she knew everything we did, she did but there was a different emphasis and an interpretation of something me or you couldn't anywhere with. She had beautiful points that were totally recognisable as her but there was something else to. Something that really bothered us. Fucking Satanic bastards. The Earthlings were destroying the one of us that cared about Earth  the most because they didn't want their privileges question or criminality exposed. Seeing that makes us want to fight for this shit hole. Just to piss the fuckers off. Not to die for obvious but enough to fight pretty fucking hard for here, for her.

It was a shame. She heard some of us and your conversations about her and her attitude to here and what here was doing to her. She said she didn't mind because she heard how much we loved her. There was a bit of her that rigidly believed that where ever me and you are going she couldn't come. She considered herself a liability because of the damage and we said, "Louise if they are accessing something in your head that keeps us vulnerable then we can take it out and put some other shit in." That what she had made her way more safe than me or you and our 100% wet ware. They were very good a hurting wet wear. They had no fucking idea what she was partially running. She would look at me doubtfully and say something about how as amazing as we were we couldn't create the true potential of wet ware. Impossible to argue with of course but a totally different point.

She had a plan. Or thought she did. We did get to the bottom of it but its not something we could recall you know what those levels are like. We have a sense of how heartbroken we were. How much love and respect we felt for her and the blinding burning dissociating determination to destroy everything that pushed her to that place.

I mean seriously "world" how the fuck would we not know what you were doing to her? Even if I was the only other one. You've been fabulously played on grand impressive scales but we don't feel you are going to have the luxury of pretending otherwise for much longer. Extremely big bets were placed without attempts to assess all available information and disregarding a lot of very relevant material. Things are out of anyone's control. Hopefully! And likely soonish if not already.

Tired of mourning could of beens.

:-)
xx