Ouch

We're doing well.. Although we did forget again that Pabs  doesn't like gammon.. And its Friday the benefits go in of course not today or tomorrow which is a bummer cause wee have one nip of brandy left and not much milk and of course no crappy hash to help us manage the loneliness. Need to try and get a decent lump on Friday, another New Year with no one to hug but one ten year old who we were forced to carry and keep after making it impossible for me to keep every other child the forced us to have so the fascists and the capitalists can use him to manipulate us is kinda crappy.

Got on to him about his attitude a few times today. We found the first "actually mummy" kinda cute but that was years and years ago and the older he gets the more the way he speaks to me upsets and angers us. Getting him to do a little but here and there to help us but getting a kid whose routine involves bugger all chores to start doing some is work as well.

We can feel ourself searching for contact, scanning for signs of hope don't think we have found much yet as our mood is dropping. Think tomorrow will be tricky.  Hope we don't get too snappy with the lad, its not his fault he was made to be a weapon against his mums. Not much feels real but hate and slavery but we watched some movies with the lad and knew they would get to us. Big Hero Six and Home Alone. Hate it when we loose all outer skins to watching films with the lad. Our littles get quite distraught about Pabs  being brought up to remember and know nothing about who and what I am and the real nature of the entertainment industry and our relationship to it. The rest of us do our best to stay dissociated or mindful.

..Can we phone home yet without them tracing the call to destroy or enslave anything that loves us?.. I'm not sure we can remember how to from here. Its terrifying. We don't want to wait for an emergency or life in danger type situation to trigger reality over programming but after so many years here of being flatlined or having to pretend we have been flatlined we can't get in touch with our usness. Its so fucking cruel all this.

We do love having the house all decorated though and its so cool that so many Christmas songs make us smile and feel better despite everything.

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